Bet you never thought you'd hear from me again!?



KNOCK KNOCK! Anyone out there??



From my flower garden!

Hello my little Iris's! Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you. It is I. The Long Lost Amanda, From Life of a Hopeful Loser!

Contrary to popular thought I am really okay out here in the real world. Just insanely busy!

I've had a couple of unfill-fill experiences due to pushing the limits on a granola bar! I went from having 9ccs in my band to having ZERO. Just last Tuesday I finally was filled back to about 9ccs again. During those few months that I had a complete unfill (and a slow process of getting me back) I managed to keep my weight in about a 6-9lb level from my lowest. I do feel that was a success because I could freaking eat everything. I do feel like working out helped me quite a bit with that.

Just last Tuesday was the first time I felt real restriction. So I may or may not be back on the path downward. Back to knowing the signals of feeling FULL. Knowing what I can or can't eat. And knowing more then anything when to not push it.

I have to admit, last Tuesday at the Docs office, before the fill, I did confront my docs with a little concern.
Here I am so close to  my actual highest fill level  and I am working out 3 days plus a week. Eating pretty well and yet I feel no restriction. They made me feel better by saying I have maintained more then anyone they've seen in a while. There is nothing medically wrong with your band...we just aren't there yet!

So yay. Maybe we are closer to being "there" now!?

Where have I been you might ask?

Well. I have been busy. I started to feel overwhelmed. Like I was being pulled in a million different directions. This is the first year that my husband and I are completely in control of our business. Making all the choices and decisions.

Do you know how scary that is? I mean what if we screw up? What if we alone are the cause of demise of our 30 year old business? What if I go to jail for tax issues because I am not doing the paperwork correctly?
What if we buy a $30,000 piece of equipment that breaks 3 days after we buy it?

I also started selling Stella&Dot. Yes, I know, I'm insane. I started last April thinking I could make a few extra dollars to put towards my medical bills, fills, and maybe a random hair color. (which I so need at this moment) Well I did. I paid off some medical bills. Then about Dec. I decided I really liked this company and I started to look at it more as a career (like I needed another) I started to sponsor girls, promote, get raises...Now this little thing I started has truly turned into an income. Don't get me wrong I work hard...really hard. But I have a team of 9 girls. Including two UK girls. I make a real salary. Helps me to buy those clothes that I CAN fit into now! Also thanks to several bloggers out there for helping me along! There are a few of you that are my customers and I'd love to even have you on my team! My husband and I are going to San Fran in July. I am going with Stella for 4 days then Chris is flying out to meet me for 8 days! I can't wait. All courtesy of Stella! Trust me. We need it.

So Stella, along with Lap Band have really helped me come out of this shell. I am dressing the way I want too. I am not a size 6 but damnit, things fit me. I wear bold colors, statement necklaces, and heels. And I love it. People see me now. They saw me before. I was never shy, but they compliment my husband, they compliment me! I might be a little vain now. But I am always two seconds away from where I was in 2010.

My sister is pregnant. Due while you are all in Chicago..so I won't be making it. I'll miss meeting you guys, seeing old friends. But I just can't make it this year.

Her pregnancy put me in a little slump. I am over it now. My husband and I are still trying. Still going to doctors to try and see why. But some days I am all like "what will be will be" and other days I am all like "damnit all to hell, why is that girl who is 8 months pregnant and SMOKING having a kid and I am not??!!"
So every day is a crapshoot as to what mood I will be in. I wish, I SO wish that I would just KNOW if I can conceive. And if I can't, that I will work through that...change paths. But this whole maybe you can maybe you can't life is screwing with me.

My husband is a drummer and playing in a band pretty regularly. Super proud. But that keeps me busy too. He would love me to be at every gig. I try to comply. But working 6 days a week plus doing Stella makes me a very tired girl! But I do it. I prefer to think of it as being arm candy for the band. Because boy, do they play in some dives! Chris is the only married boy and they are always so sweet. Not wanting to say anything out reason or piss my 6ft 6 husband off, they give me compliments like. "Amanda, you look very presentable tonight!" lol. Seriously that is the compliment I got. A wonderful one but funny that a 33 year old man said it.

So I have a lot of stresses in my life at the moment. I am mega happy and mega busy and sometime mega irritated. I had to slow down a little. I became overwhelmed at the amount of Bloggers I was keeping up with, supporting, commenting. I felt bad when I didn't read EVERY single blog I was following.

So the selfish thing I did was stop reading all off them! For that I am sorry. I have several girls that I keep up with on facebook, email, phone...ect.

Do I miss you guys?! Sure. Not a day goes by when SOMEone isn't in my mind! So hello out there. Hope you all are well? Hope you all are happy?! I've come a long way baby! With a lot of help from a lot of you all! I am not gone, just in the back ground!

You want the truth??

I am struggling a bit.

There I said it.

You might think I am going to go in a little rant about weight loss and so forth but that's not it either really. I have avoided this topic in a public setting and reached out to a few people and I think I am coming out of my cloud. I am not asking for anything I think I am just explaining my lengthy disappearance.

The truth is I really have been super busy with my life since before Christmas. It has been really hard to jump right back in and be the supportive force I always thought that I was for a lot of you! For that I am sorry. I blogged several times about being able to step back and say no to certain things to just try and get everything accomplished. I guess blogging was something I put in the back seat for a little while.

The weird thing is I am happy and kind of depressed all at the same time! I feel really good. I've not lost any weight since before Christmas. That pisses me off but only kinda because even though I am working out 3-4 days a week I haven't been following my own rules. Clothes feel and look good! I have loads of energy. We have had a good winter with work. If you can call it winter. It was 65 degrees here in the mountains yesterday. Makes for a really good rental winter! Last year my husband and I didn't pay ourselves most of the winter..this year we have had to pinch a little but we've paid ourselves all winter long! Score. My Stell a &Dot business is really going well! I am enjoying the hell out of being girlie and stylish and I love having a team. At Christmas I signed two girls up in England! So I feel all international and shit! (hear the sarcasm hee hee)

So whats my issue?

It is hard for me to type. Just as hard for me to say out loud. It starts like this. January first my sister and her husband got their pregnancy insurance and started trying for a baby. 2 weeks later they were pregnant.

That's it.

I feel like a huge HUGE ass for being sad about this because I am really happy for them. But I feel like my husband and I have been trying for 4 years. 2 miscarriages, 2 serious infections from said miscarriages, 1 lapband surgery, 70lbs lost, working out all the time. And they got effing pregnant in 2 weeks!!??!!!?!!?!!!

For the first week I put on a good public face. I smiled. I texted her to drink water, take a nap, don't eat this, don't eat that. I worked out on my days. But I came home every single night after work, crawled into bed, and watched the second season of Downton Abby (which was awesome BTW). My husband fed me. He fed me what I wanted to eat which was really small amounts of junk.

The second week (last week) was better. Her 30th birthday was celebrated on Saturday and my sisters husband and I planed a whole surprise weekend which I don't know about your husbands but my sisters husband is not a planner so it was down to me. Turned out fantastic. We spent the day with 12 of our girlfriends shopping, eating dessert crepes, and totally bombarding every store we went into! Saturday evening we had a band at a local coffee/wine/beer shop. Which was also fantastic. I drank loads of really good wine. Everyone was smiling. My sister was so nauseous the whole time, poor thing, but she had so much fun. Towards the end of the coffee shop evening I started to have a few of my sisters friends come up and say such wonderful things about the evening and my family and how they always have so much fun when they visit (hell ya, I am a good party planner) and then 3 different girls started saying things like:

"I know it must be so hard with all you have been through being so happy for your sister. But you know what? It will happen for you too. My friend had 6 miscarriages and now has two healthy children. Just keep trying"

In my head I am thinking 'FUCK YOU, I didn't start this conversation and I don't want to have it while I am happy" (sorry for my none cussing readers) verbally I am saying "Thank you so much! I know, we are staying positive and I am really good. Just really excited for my sister!" All while smiling.

I wave them all off and continue on with my evening. We all shuttle (thanks to my husband) in the pouring rain to the cottage that we rented. Cottage is such a small term. This place was huge. I would say there was probably 20 of us that went back there and 15 of us stayed there. Anyway. We had munchy snacks and kept drinking. Our good friend brought his guitar and sang90's songs which I am such a damn sucker for! Rock on Pearl Jam, Weezer, and Sublime..among lots of other stuff.

I am happy.

Then, and I am not kidding. I get 2 at a time. Yes 2 at a flipping time of my sisters friends WHOM I LOVE..don't get me wrong I do love em... Start in on me about my struggles and trials. Granted, I had way to much at this point but I could not handle it at any more. I started crying. And not the tears that you can mask. Not the ones where you pinch yourself and make them go away. The ones that are huge and roll down your face 12 at a time.

Why, I mean really, WHY did I have to break down like that? Leave me alone. Talk to me about jewelry or cooking..or yoga. It really is a big reason I haven't told very many people that Chris and I were trying. I pressure my self enough with out getting outside pressure as well.

I can't shake it. Just thinking about it makes me cry and although I know I am about to start my period and that plays into it quite a bit...I am just ready to be myself again. Damnit.

So this is where I am. Happy and Sad. All at once.

I turn 33 in a week. Perhaps that plays into the depression a little. Not that I think that 33 is old. But I thought I would have a family by now.

I go from being the odd man out because of my weight ..being the biggest girl in the room. To being the only friend who doesn't have kids. My best girlfriend says that she is jealous of me because we have no strings. I guess thats nice to know. Doesn't make me feel better though!

No matter what I do I am always make comments or do things that remind myself that I am big. Do you think that will ever change?

Nora posted about this today but I was already thinking about this yesterday. Let me set the scene.

We have a local group in town that finds prom dresses, hair and make up sponsors, and donations of jewelry for teenage girls that may not have enough money to go to these events. One of the ladies posted that they were in need of dresses for big girls. Well I already knew that I had two dresses from weddings in size 20 and 22 that I could donate. So I called her up, set up a time to come by, had the dresses dry cleaned and they were ready to go.

The lady came by yesterday afternoon to pick the dresses up! She was thrilled. I said to her it was likely that I would never wear these dresses again and then something along the lines that they were really flattering for us bigger girls!  I went on to say how when you are big it is important to have support and straps and how I always ask my girlfriends to remember us big girls when picking bridesmaid dresses!

I mean are you kidding me? Why in the hell did I feel like I needed to explain all this to her and why in the hell did I refer to myself several damn times as a big girl.

I mean I am still a Big-er girl. But why is that my identity and why do I ONLY see myself as that girl?

I really don't get it.

I'm still pretty happy though.